


shattered illusions

by SbiderSlut (BlackCoffeeCat)



Series: The Sad Starker Trash Bin [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Jealousy, M/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-23 16:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16622801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackCoffeeCat/pseuds/SbiderSlut
Summary: Tony tries to be a decent man.In the process, he sees a disturbing side to his protegee and faces the uncomfortable truth of his feelings for Peter Parker.Still, he tries.If only being a decent man and getting what he most desires weren't mutually exclusive.---In which Tony Stark faces his no-win scenario and makes the hard call.





	shattered illusions

**Author's Note:**

> Anti? Sure! I'm anti-happy-endings.
> 
> I am emo trash who enjoys withholding happiness from my characters.
> 
> At some point, I may expand and make this into a series of one-shots within the same universe, because I have other sad shit and I figured "Hey, why not just make a whole universe where my characters are always a little miserable?" But we'll see where life takes us.
> 
> Special thanks to [Kingfisherwoes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingfisherwoes), who helped me be an organized human being and crank this out in a legible manner <3

This is what he gets for trying to mentor a kid while being who he is, Tony tells himself. This is what he fucking gets.

This stranger of an old man who’s devouring Peter in the shadow of the abandoned hall? Who’s insatiable, dark hunger permeates in every molecule of his physicality, from the possessive way he licks into Peter’s mouth to the way his hand gropes roughly at the boy’s hip?

The uncomfortable truth is that he and Tony aren’t all that different.

Tony’s done the same to his fair share of pretty young things -- never underage because he has a company to protect, but sometimes cutting it damn close. The only difference is that he hasn’t done anything to Peter.

Somewhere deep underneath his being a horrible man, Tony has _some_ minuscule shred of decency left -- just enough that he hadn’t defiled his young protege the moment the kid turned seventeen.

By some miracle, that tiny, decent part of him regards the kid in a way that’s _not_ fucked up. That infinitesimal part of him wants to keep the kid close in a platonic sense and strives to be a decent man, if only for Peter’s sake. It wants to watch and guide Peter as he grows into an accomplished young man, simply for the fact that he loves the kid in every possible way.

It’s a total pipe dream, but he aspires to live up to the severely misplaced, yet unwavering admiration which Peter blindly totes for him.

And it’s precisely those few decent things which have granted Tony just enough self-control to protect Peter from, er, the more _carnal_ aspects of life. Sure, Tony is a heathen, and he indulges too much -- even now. But, at the very least, he compartmentalizes well. At the very least, he keeps that aspect of his life as far away from Peter as possible.

Tony had thought he’d been doing a decent job at keeping the filth of his person from rubbing off onto Peter’s pristine surfaces. He’d really thought he’d managed to keep the kid shining and untarnished.

But, judging by the desperate, unabashed whines falling so sweetly from those lips Tony has fantasized about far too often, all of Tony’s restraint turned out to be moot. Whatever he was trying to protect Peter from within himself, the kid has clearly found it in other places.

In another man.

A man who isn’t Tony.

A man who might as well be Tony, because if Peter’s going to let some sad, old pervert paw at him, then why shouldn’t it be Tony? Tony’s the one who’s wanted the kid for longer than he’s comfortable admitting. Tony’s the one whose basked in the kid’s hopelessly apparent infatuation all these years.

And with that thought, Tony again realizes just how terrible of a human being he is.

He’s a fool for ever believing that he and his filthy habits and dirty hands could ever nurture something so pure without tainting it. Sick people don’t get nice things.

Besides, the entire concept is ridiculous, now that he thinks about it. Tony had tried to take everything that was good and pure about Peter and cradle it safely in his cupped hands. Except, those very hands were beyond sullied by Tony’s mile-long ledger of misdeeds, _and_ Tony was secretly lusting to defile this very thing whose innocence he held dear.

So, a recipe for failure, basically.

What Tony wanted were two polar opposite things. So what the fuck was he expecting? That he could somehow have both? That he could somehow find a compromise between these two warring halves of himself?

This is Tony’s Kobayashi Maru -- his no-win scenario.

He’d rubbed it in Loki’s face all those years ago, but now he truly understands his own words. This time, it’s Tony’s turn. This time, there’s no version where Tony comes out on top.

If there had been a decent solution, it’s long passed.

Once upon a time, he could have allowed the kid to go his merry way and forgotten everything about Peter Parker. He _should_ have, while it was still possible.

Or maybe, that never was possible; Peter Parker is unforgettable.

Maybe, instead, Tony should have given Peter the chance to walk away early on _,_ allowed the kid to forget all about this sad, damaged billionaire up in his empty, lonely tower. He should have given the kid a fighting chance to get the hell away from the pain and mess Tony always brings down like some fucking plague.

Yes, that’s what he should have done in the first place.

And now, it’s too late. Whether by this unspoken attraction or the mentor-mentee bond they’ve managed to develop nonetheless, they’re both in too deep.

And apparently, Peter’s in deep in many other ways.

 _Jesus,_ Tony thinks as he watches the boy brace his back against the wall and lift his legs with minimal effort. Watches as he wraps them high up around the other man’s waist, hooks his ankles tightly and nearly folds himself in half.

This definitely isn’t Peter’s first rodeo. Or his fifth, probably.

He’s visibly experienced, and Tony’s two halves are clashing in a way that makes his ears ring and vision tunnel. He’s aroused; that’s a given. How could he not be? He’s incensed, possessive, and itching to swoop in, shove the guy aside, and take what he, in some heinous and animalistic way, considers to be his.

But the other half of him is horrified and disgusted. Who the fuck is this? This isn’t the Peter he knows and considers one of the dearest people in his life. This isn’t the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed kid who wears sweaters over button-ups when he’s not sporting tees with nerdy puns. This isn’t the nice, sweet boy who geeks out over every little thing in Tony’s lab while Tony gets to watch on in barely-masked fondness.  

What does he do now?

Does he mourn the loss of some fictional image he’d held of Peter, or does he celebrate that there’s no longer a reason for him to restrain himself? Does he absolve himself because debauchery seemingly would have found Peter anyways, or does he assume guilt because he may have inadvertently influenced Peter into whatever he’s become?

None of that, actually, because while Tony’s been caught up in a nasty fucking storm of internal conflict and ponderings, Peter’s sharp senses seem to have picked up on his audience.

Tony really should have turned tail and left when he first caught sight of Peter in such a state.

But he’s apparently the patron saint of bad decisions and not taking the exit road while it’s still fucking open, so here he stands, as Peter’s hooded gaze lands on him and freezes him in place.

Tony’s saved the world and universe enough times to have become a known figure within the nine realms. He has enough money and influence to buy the planet if he really wanted to. He has the AI capabilities for world domination.

Under Peter’s soft gaze, though, he’s powerless. He’s just a weak shell of a man who’s seen too much in life, who's gotten too used to indulging.

It’s disturbing, how Peter’s hips keep working as he regards Tony, how he’s not the least bit shy that his mentor has caught him in such an indelicate position. It feels wrong.

Peter smiles, and Tony thinks of those horror movies where the possessed virgin turns demonic. This feels eerily similar. The duality of sweetness and seduction in that small quirk of those flushed, thoroughly kiss lips is incredibly unsettling.

But it’s not a demonic possession -- which would have been easier on Tony’s worn heart.

There’s not one ounce of malevolence in the smile -- it’s just as sweet as any of them. Seductive? Yes. But achingly sweet.

This is Peter Parker, 100%. No demons, no corruption. Just a human boy who ages like the rest of them and learns from the world around him.  

This...precocious, debauched figure of a young man is more dissonant to Tony than nails on a chalkboard, but it’s still unmistakably _Peter._ There’s no question of one or the other; Peter hasn’t given up any part of himself or lost anything. This simply _is_ Peter Parker -- kind, earnest, loveable Peter who charms old women into giving him churros and manages to get the feistiest of kittens out of trees.

He’s just...more than that, now.

To Tony, that thought is terrifying.

So, under the watchful gaze of his mentee who he apparently didn’t know all that well, Tony does the only thing that won’t lead to tears that night -- he turns and leaves.

A keening, wanton moan follows his steps -- one which contains unmistakable challenge, one undoubtedly meant for Tony’s ears, one purely intended to tempt.

Tony just about caves.

He does glance back. He glances back and sees Peter, folded against the wall and still staring at Tony with those goddamn bedroom eyes. _Take me,_ they seem to plead.

Fuck, does he want to.

He nearly does, too.

Tony very nearly storms back, nearly wrestles Peter out of that old bastard’s arms and into his own where his mind screams that Peter belongs. He can see it clear as day, how it would play out.

No longer restrained by his inaccurate preconceptions, he’d eat the boy right up.

And Peter would let him.

For the first time in a long time, though, Tony does the right thing.

He offers a helpless, defeated smile. He tries, to the best of his ability, to convey in his smile that he’s willing to move past whatever lapse in good reason had just occurred between them. It will be okay. They’ll carry on. He won’t treat Peter differently due to tonight’s indiscretions.

He’ll be the mentor he should have been from the get-go. The mentor that Peter deserves.

(Well, he’ll try his best.)

There’s no alternative. With how invested Tony is, he would never entertain -- not even for one-thousandth of a second -- the possibility of cutting the kid out of his life. He’s incapable. Whatever lust he feels, there’s something deeper and bigger than he can comprehend which fuels it, and it’s terrifying. It’s something he’s never known before.

If they had been in any better of a situation -- if the circumstances had been the slightest bit different -- Tony would lay those feelings out bloody and raw on a platter and offer it to Peter, to do with it what he will.

But, they’re not. And he can’t stand being where he is any longer. He needs to leave before that option is out the window, just like every other better choice he should have made regarding his relationship with Peter Parker. He’s not going to let this one slip away. For once, he’s going to try to be someone who’s even remotely deserving of the kid’s respect.

So, he walks away.

Sure, it takes willpower that he’s only learned through years of saving the world and it hurts deep in his chest, but he somehow manages to turn and walk away.

The sound of the door clicking shut is resolute and damning, but it can’t quite contain the racket that Peter starts up. Tony flees down the hall with the sounds of his biggest temptation viciously biting at his heels. The second layer of doors finally seals away the worst of it, but not before Tony registers how Peter’s keening gains an edge of melancholy and sorrow at his hasty departure.

But more than anything, there’s a tone of finality. Whatever bed Tony just made, if he walks away tonight, he’s going to be sleeping in it for the rest of his life.

That’s a bigger decision than anyone should allow him to make.

In a fit of panic, Tony calls the suit and flies home, relying on an internal metronome to regulate his breathing and an inalterable flight-plan keep himself from turning back.

It’s only the non-override protocol which stops him from turning back. Multiple times.

(It does nothing to help the sharp, mourning ache in his chest.)  

“FRIDAY, restrict my ability to leave this tower barring emergency until 7 AM tomorrow, and mute any incoming communications,” Tony says when he’s finally sequestered to his quarters. He slams his bedroom door, leans back against it, and lets his head drop back with a loud thunk. After a moment of thought, he adds, “Schedule me to attend all SI meeting and affairs with Pepper tomorrow and the day after.”  

“Yes, Boss.”

It’s one of the few things he’s proud of; when he has the itch to drink or be destructive now, he diverts it.

Pepper, in that amazingly intuitive and supportive way of her’s, allows him to tag along to all her business matters at SI if he needs the distraction. And maybe it’s a testament to how he’s become a better, wiser person, or maybe he’s just that fucking terrified of falling back into a yellow bottle, but Tony actually puts in the effort and engages at SI meetings rather than fuck around and piss off the board.

So that’s what he’s going to do for the next few days if he wants to maintain his painstakingly earned year of sobriety and keep his hands off his protege. It’s the only way he’ll get through this without fucking up.

And when his head is clear, he’ll do what he always does when it comes to Peter -- try his best and hardest.

And if, as he slides down his door and takes in the vast emptiness of his bedroom, Tony hears echoes of those wrecked moans and sees ghosts of a delectably debauched Peter Parker behind his eyelids?  

Well, Tony tries not to think too much about it. He tries not to touch himself to those filthy thoughts.

(He fails miserably at both.)

And if, after a long week dedicated to SI, after he finally gathers enough resilience to feel okay inviting Peter in for some lab work, Peter comes strolling in with an ill-concealed hickey and a satisfied air to him?

Tony almost doesn’t feel his heart cracking right down the middle.  

(Once upon a time, people whispered about how Tony Stark went through life breaking hearts left and right. They also said he, himself would never know true heartbreak. And once upon a time, Tony had actually believed them.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are greatly appreciated! Xoxo
> 
> \---
> 
> I am [SbiderSlut](http://sbiderslut.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr. Come by and say hi! 💖💕


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